The Awakening

So this really touched me when I received it and I thought that I would share - what a philosophy, a thought and a belief system this must be to embrace. I think I shall read a little everyday and take what I can from it and with the rest, pack it away for another day and then process one more morsel.

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening...

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop manoeuvring through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it's just life happening.

You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Copyright 2001 Virginia Marie Swift

Sunday Life

So I am suffering from resentment at the moment - resentment of self and my constant need to please. I am so exhausted - I really am needing a break and I was looking so forward to  my break in Cape Town, but now I have this giant job hanging over my head and I am so peeved at myself that I just blindly accepted it.

FORK! Why do I do those things to myself. I am so cheesed that I have done this - and now there is no way out. I am so frigging pissed off. Man, I just need break - I need to be able to actually spend a week end not working, that would be nice.

Sigh. This is self inflicted, so I cant blame anyone - I just have to button down and do it. With grace and poise when all I wanna do is turn in and just sleep. Sundays are family time, chilling time, reading a book, braais, picnics, not PC's, adex and analytics.

Argh!

Mama Mia

What a show! It was incredible - what a sterling SA cast, excellent dancing, some nice localisations and an overall awesome evening of entertainment.

But it wasnt full - guys - get there - watch it and enjoy it!

Definitely a girls night out, but fun none the less - and this month (October) its a proud supporter of Breat Cancer awareness month, so even more of a reason to go.

I dont think I go to theater enough - and that will change next year, thats for sure - there is so much wonderfulness to see in this world. Really.

Be brave,
Kat

Stolen moments

I love those moments when you can sit in the quiet and actually just have a second to gather your thoughts and process things and just chill out. I dont get that time often, so when I do - I relish it!

Right now I am sitting in Woolies having the most gorgeous decaf cappucino and just taking a moment to breathe - and just chill out with my PC, my cap, my thoughts and me.

And its divine! I have a date tonight - sigh, I am so not in the mood - I decided to have a Woolies coffee rather than go home and change, so that says something. I am tired of this dating scene - I wanna settle down and know that after work I can go home to the one that I love, rather than this trawling the streets to find love.

But I guess its part of where I am in life right now - at least I am getting there and going out and seeing whats out there. Its better than just sitting back and wondering when my knight in shining armour will come on his white horse.

Although all I seem to be meeting at the moment are delinquents in tinfoil riding in on asses.

Be brave,
Kat
xxx

Beauty...is in the eye of the beholder

So the universe is definitely trying to tell me something - that its the content of your character rather than your appearance that is what is most attractive in any and all relationships.

Had a very interesting discussion today about love and relationships and how, no matter what the person offers you in terms of material elements, bells and whistles, offerings - its the fit that matters and that fit transcends all the physical and check list items of a relationship.

And that makes me think about beauty and how there really isnt a univesal definition and that its rather what floats your boat - makes you swoon and brings you to the fore that you should be concerned about.

Its difficult to get out of the whole mass society, mass produced vision of beauty and to really think what makes something or someone beautiful in your eyes, because we are so socially constructed, but true beauty is really something that transcends any human attachments and perceptions.

So what is beautiful to me... the curve of a smile that is effortless, the crinkle at the eyes that shows year of laughter - not years of age, the ruffled hair of a well thought statement, broad shoulder, slender hands, tall stature and a gaite that emphasises purpose and direction. The smell of man and the subtle aroma of vulnerability. The knowledge of ages, personable, easy going and uninhibited... Strength and security, honour and respect.

That is...beauty to me.

Breaking up...

So when a relationship comes to an end, there are some stages of grief that one has to go through. And it doesnt matter whether that relationship is a romance, a work relationship, a business enterprise or even a frivolous affair - it takes time to get over it and one goes through the different stages of remorse, sadness, anger and acceptance.

I was the lucky participant of two such break ups on Friday - one where I was the dumper, so to speak and one where I was the dumped. And can I say - often in that conversation people have they say "so would you prefer to be the dumper or the dumpee" and you have to choose - I would rather choose neither!

Man, its hard. On the one hand, when you are dumped you feel rejected - you feel like you are worthless, not good enough, invalidated etc. On the other hand, when you are the dumper, you have feelings of uncertainty, sadness that you have hurt this person, regret and upset - so neither option is good.

What I have learnt though over the past week end is there are some rules of engagement for break ups - regardless of whether you are the dumper or the dumpee.

1. Be compassionate and have empathy - imagine how you would feel when you are in the opposite situation and try to minimise the damage and the impact of your break off with the one you are dumping / dumped.

2. Dont act irrationally - its easy to send scathing emails, to be vindictive and to be outspoken and violent - its a natural reaction. Rather breathe before you say anything.

3. Be honest - say why you are breaking up, how you feel, what made you come to this decision. Dont let there be any doubts (nicely) about how you feel and what made you do what you do.

4. Allow time - time heals all things. And that is never more true than in a break up. Time to breathe, time to take a moment, time to think - use that time.

5. Grieve - grieve for the relationship that was, let yourself feel the hurt, doubt, sadness and desolation - its a sad time, but you will be ok in the long run (and a month older, so make yourself wiser by doing the self reflection).

So yeah, I am both grieving and breathing - trying to maintain professionalism when all I wanna do is rip someones eyes out and desperately wanting to run back into the arms of the one I love and saying that its best if we are together and that nothing else matters.

Its been a week end -but I am 3 days older since the end of two relationships - and hopefully wiser.

And in a few weeks I will look back on this and know that it was for the best - it was right and good and true and that I am exactly where I need and wanna be - and all will be good and well. The heart - patched up and healing, but the soul forever changed.

Be brave,

Kath

Rain reflection

There is something magickal and reflective about the rain. It just seems to open everything up, let you see clearly again and wash everything away.

I found this awesome Creed song called Rain - its absolutely spectacular and I must have listened to it around 50 times today. The whole song is about its going to rain for days, and how he hopes that the sun will shine the next day - but how much he loves the rain. Its really a stunning song and resonates with me endlessly.

Spring seems to have missed us here - we are fully into summer, together with the magical late afternoon thunderstorms that I remember so well from when I was little. Rain has so many memories for me.

I remember coming home from school, getting out of our uniforms and into our casual clothes, having lunch and then doing homework while the rain pelted down on the conservatory roof. I remember standing under the verge of the entrance gate with Charles, rain dripping down off my nose as we chatted about our day, trying not to shiver with cold and miss a moment with my friend.

I remember my first kiss in the rain - it was on a hill in Kensington, the sun was coming out (monkeys wedding) and we were young, in love and ready to try anything. It must have been spring, because I remember standing just under a peach tree that had irridescent green leaves and reaching up, putting my arms around his neck, leaning in close and kissing him deeply while the rain pelted down and rivers of water ran down my back between my shoulder blades, causing me to curve in even closer to him. What a memory.

I remember ice skating in the rain in London at the Covent Gardens market Absolut Vodka ice rink, laughing hysterically while my feet stung from the cold inside the skates and I got wetter and wetter the more we went around the tiny ice rink.

I remember wet summers when I was little doing Mordillo puzzles with my mum, eating pocorn and watching movies on a Saturday afternoon while the rain fell down in droves.

I remember the cyclone we had (well, it felt like a cyclone) and how the patio flooded and we stayed outside, feet on chairs, laughing hysterically at the fact that the whole place was under water.

I have alot of rain memories. Rain is my best weather - it makes me happy when the sky is the bruised blue of a storm and the sun in dampened and the sky thunders with approval. I love that time.

"I feel its gonna rain like this for days, so let it rain down and wash everything away. I hope that tomorrow the sun will shine, as with every tomorrow comes another life. I feel its gonna rain" - Creed, Rain

Personality...

So I just did the Myers-Brigg personality test. And I am an ENFJ - which is interesting - the idealist teacher. Thats me. Bloody hell, thought I could escape the idealist part of me, or even the teacher part - but it doesnt appear so.

Its not all bad though...

Popular and sensitive, with outstanding people skills. Externally focused, with real concern for how others think and feel. Usually dislike being alone. They see everything from the human angle, and dislike impersonal analysis. Very effective at managing people issues, and leading group discussions. Interested in serving others, and probably place the needs of others over their own needs.

Yip, I am very concerned with what people think of me - and how I conduct myself around people. I dont really dislike being alone - I like my quiet time, I like to reflect and spend time with myself and my own thoughts and spend alot of time trying to understand myself. I do see everything from the human angle and how it affects people, their environment. I am the fixer - and some things dont need to get fixed. Somethings have to fix themselves. Thats my current learning - that somethings need to fix themselves.

I like to manage people, issues and get resolutions. I am excellent at client servicing, I enjoy making other people happy but I dont suffer fools.

So overall a good analysis... I wanna delve a bit deeper into it and see what the learnings are and how I can improve, grow and build myself. After all, what are we on the earth for other than to advance ourselves and learn and grow.

Be brave,
Kat

An introduction...

A small space for me to reflect, refract, lament and lambaste. It shall be a good place, a happy place, with moments of pause, sadness and quiet...

I guess its all about projection. I had this blog under another title - but some undesirables had access to it, so I have reloaded everything here.

Later,
Kat