One of My Greatest Fears

 

One of my greatest fears (Day 3 topic for the @writersbootcmp twitter 31 day challenge) is death. 

Is this really the second time I am writing about death in two days? I honestly want to be a highlander - the thought of dying terrifies me and the idea of being undying until you have a sword death match against another immortal seems like such a good idea. 

I think its because its completely out of our control and I am a control freak - so the thought that this could be your last day is terrifying. How have I spent that day, where has my energy been used, have I told my dad and my sister and my brother that I love them, have I made the impact in the world I wanted to... endless questions I ask when pondering this idea of death. 

So whats the solution? Isnt it to live now... to really live now rather than just exist? When I start to think about that, then I think that I need to change things up and I need to do what I love, spend time with those I love and live as if it was my last day. 

And then I get over myself, turn my laptop on and carry on working. 

But more and more Im thinking thats not good enough!

Mary Oliver says

And that brings me to another fear - imagine if I never discover what my passion is - what makes the fire in my soul burn bright? That would be absolutely debilitating! So its my mission to start really thinking about what this passion is and putting things in place to live that passion. 

I fear that my passion for live may include connection to another - which means vulnerability and putting yourself out there - which in itself is terrifying. 

Whew - am I really that fearful? Did I always used to be...or has the school of life really trained me to dumb down my dreams and to shrug back into the warm blanket of familiarity?

I hope not. 

Actually. 

I refuse to accept that. 

Now thats brave.